1. I fear my last words will be ‘‘hold my beer and watch this.’’
2. Why do they never serve beer at a math party? – Because you can’t drink and derive.
3. A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “how much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “for you? No charge!”
4. Never look at your beer as half empty. Look at it as halfway to your next beer.
5. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
6. What do you never say to a policeman? “Sure let me grab my license. Can you hold my beer?”
7. This beer tastes like I’m not going to work tomorrow.
8. Friends bring happiness into your life. Best friends bring beer.
9. Stop trying to make everyone happy. You’re not beer.
10. Beer doesn’t have a lot of vitamins, that’s why you have to drink lots of it.
11. A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says “give me five beers.”
12. Trust me, you can dance. – Beer
13. Beer is never the answer. Beer is the question, and Yes is the answer.
14. Two frat boys were stranded at sea on a lifeboat. On the 4th day, a mermaid came up out of the water and offered them one wish to save their lives.
The frat boys thought about it and one shouted out, “I wish the ocean was a sea of beer.” And it happened.
A little while later the other one shouted, “Great, now we have to pee in the boat!”
15. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
16. A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.
17. They say you can’t find happiness at the bottom of a beer. No kidding, who’s happy when their beer is finished?
18. Beer gives me a reason to wake up every afternoon.
19. Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour. Teach a man how to brew and he wastes a lifetime.
20. You shouldn’t drink beer every day. That’s why I only drink at night.
21. If at first you don’t succeed, it’s not a twist-top, use a bottle opener.
22. Beer and life are best enjoyed the same way. Chilled.
23. Some people see the glass as half empty. Some see it as half full. I just wonder who in the hell is drinking my beer.
24. Guy: “I could never live without you.” Girlfriend, “Is that you or the beer talking.” Guy: “It’s me talking to the beer.”
25. What’s a frat boy’s idea of a balanced diet? A beer in each hand.
26. My man cave has an open door policy. Bring the beer and I’ll open the door.
27. Education is important but beer is important.
28. Life is just a little bit more honest after half a dozen beers.
29. I”m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink the more enthusiastic I get.
30. Girl to BFF, “ I want him to look at me the way he looks at his first beer.”
31. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
32. How do you know if someone likes craft beer? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
33. Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of a kid dropping an ice cream.
34. Psychiatrist to patient: “Remember, it’s a beer commercial. That, kind of happiness may not actually be attainable.”
35. Two friends walk into a bar. The first says, “Bartender, give me a Budweiser. The second says, “Give me a coke.” The first guy says, “Why are you ordering a coke?” His friend answers, “I just thought if you weren’t having a beer, I wouldn’t either.”
36. Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible but 8 beers go down quicker than an elephant on a see-saw.
37. If you don’t drink beer, how will your friends know you love them at 2am?
38. Sign outside a bar: “Buy one beer for the price of two and get your second beer absolutely free.”
39. A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “sorry we don’t serve food here.”
40. Drinking a beer is a real skill. I like to have 5 practice beers before I have a real beer.
41. In heaven there is no beer, which is why we drink it here.
42. Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge.
“It said: This isn’t working, I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened up the fridge.
The light was on and the beer was cold.
I’m not sure what she was talking about.
43. Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have great hops.
44. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
45. A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says “A beer please! and one for the road!”
46. He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
47. Where do monkeys go to grab a beer?
The monkey bars!
48. Beer doesn’t make you fat… it makes you lean – on tables, chairs & random people.
49. A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.
50. Beer may not solve your problems, but neither will water or soda.
51. A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, “That’ll be $10. You know, we don’t get many kangaroos coming in here.” The kangaroo says, “At $10 a beer, it’s not hard to understand.”
52. A duck walks in a bar and orders a beer. He says: “Just put it on my bill!”